Perfection

I had to take a personality test for work. The thing about personality tests is that they are a) sort of arbitrary and b) you cannot get a 100%. There is no right answer for a personality test. As you can imagine, this sends me into a tiny tailspin. I tend to get very down on myself after I take a personality test – the things I am good at are great, but what about the things I’m bad at?¹

Anyway I spent the past week exploring the concept of being only mediocre at what this personality test termed “tenacity,” i.e. finishing stuff, and “wonder,” i.e. shiny new ideas. Do these two things net out for a writer? I am not sure. But I know that on the publishing and business end of writing, the tenacity is pretty key to keep you from pulling your hair out. It sometimes feels that tenacity is the only skill you need to be successful at publishing.²

In some ways this knowledge³ is a relief. Perhaps this is the reason that I haven’t finished my trilogy! I am morally lacking! Just really bad at finishing stuff!⁴ My dissolution has a cause! Oh my, what a relief. What an absolution. It’s not the system, the financial risk, the constant grind of administrative tasks. It’s me! I’m the problem!

So then what?

I read a thing recently – some internet meme, I cannot find it now – that talked about how perfection creates paralysis. Which makes sense. Life rarely has markers for success. It isn’t possible to score a 100%. But it does have markers for failure, ones we deeply internalize as they are often tied to our financial success and ultimately our personal liberty. It’s easy to become paralyzed in the face of that.

But a personality test is not about seeing if you’re good or bad at something. This personality test in particular included language specifically admonishing against that descriptor. What it actually measured was energy, not ability. Aptitude, not skill. These are different things! One is inherent, the other is learned. There is nothing here that says I am bad at being tenacious. What it does say is that it comes a little harder for me than others (though not as hard as some). It says that tenacity is not where I gain energy. At best, it is a neutral pursuit for me. At worst, it is soul-sucking. Which of these is 100% dependent on the mix of the work – that is to say, if everything I do requires tenacity I will probably get burned out, but if at least some of the tasks I undertake involve one of the other working methods which give me joy (in this case, problem-solving was a big one) then I might find that work really satisfying.

You could use the results of a test like this to write off your ability to get better at something, or your desire to do it at all. You could say, “Well, looks like I’m really bad at that so I just won’t do it.” You would be doing yourself a disservice. And it is so easy, through the trap of perfection, to fall into that loop. To say, “Oops, that isn’t going to check every box. I might as well not try.” Or you can acknowledge the things you don’t like about the work, and figure out how to balance them with the things you do. How to streamline the less satisfying stuff so that it doesn’t eat your energy. That is what the test is for – to learn about yourself, and maybe use that knowledge to improve your ability to accomplish your goals.

Still grumpy I can’t get a 100%, though.

1. If you, like my husband, are currently muttering something to the effect of “silly goose” to yourself, then bless you. ↩︎
2. This is an illusion – you do need other stuff. Maybe just not as much of the other stuff as you would imagine. ↩︎
3. We are assuming for the moment the accuracy of personality tests, particularly this personality test. ↩︎
4. I am not really bad at finishing stuff. I am mediocre at finishing stuff. More on this in a minute. ↩︎