Things to know about having a baby (in three parts)

Hi, so you had a baby and you’re writing and also working a dayjob. Welcome to a fiasco. Buckle up. Here’s some things — specifically my things, specifically things that happened to me.

Let’s go.

Part A: The Biology

Thing 1: Breastfeeding takes up more of your time than you possibly think it could and if you are the breastfeeding parent that time is your writing time or your sleeping time. Sorry. Also babies are incredibly picky, and can easily get attached to one mode of feeding. So good luck. I have no answers for this. Babies are only exclusively breastfed for a brief season of your life, so keep that in mind.

Thing 2: Needing to sleep less does not mean that you can actually get away with sleeping less month over month, or your body will rear back and slap your ass into the grass. No, you no longer need your precious 8 hours to be fully functional. Yes, you still need sleep. You especially need sleep if you are ill or recovering from an illness. Go figure. You cannot take all the night wake-ups, you mad martyr.

Thing 3: Your brain really does work differently if you gestated. They’ve done studies on it (not extensive studies, but there are one or two). It’s okay. You can still write. It’s just…not going to maybe be exactly what you would have written before. But let’s face it — we never write what we would have written before. Yes, the brain stuff is scary, but rest assured that your new brain does cool stuff, too.

Thing 4: You are physically a new person. Also mentally a new person (see above). Take time to get to know yourself. Expect that it will be in flux for a bit. Be frustrated, accept the frustration, move on. Yes, that is easier said than done. Yes, healing takes longer than is easy or convenient. Yes, some of your scars are never going to go away. There’s a reason birth is likened to battle. Be kind to yourself.

Part B: The Baby

Thing 1: The baby needs what the baby needs. There is no negotiation. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, straight to jail, my friend. Seriously, though, there is no point in getting mad at a baby, which doesn’t mean that you will never get mad. If your madness is peaking through, hand the baby to someone else and go breathe in a corner. If you cannot hand the baby to someone else, take a deep breath and remember that he is not crying to make your life harder, he’s crying because he has needs and you are the only one of the pair of you with functioning hands.

Thing 2: The “getting easier” is not a linear progression. One week, baby is chill. The next week, baby will not be put down or sleep in his own sleeping apparatus (you may insert the apparatus of choice here). It’s a crapshoot and the factors are outside of your control. You’re not doing anything wrong. This does not make it easier to deal with the weeks that feel like major steps backward. It also doesn’t help when you have no spoons to handle any of the other challenges life may throw at you. Recognize that the other challenges might make baby’s hard days seem even harder.

Thing 3: Yes, that baby is hella cute. Revel in the cuteness of the baby. And wow are you learning a lot about human psychology right now. He’s only going to be little for such a brief time. He’s already so much bigger than he was. You may be wishing for the future, but you also don’t get this time back.

Thing 4: You have to pick what your top priority is. If your top priority isn’t the baby, someone else’s has to be. That baby needs you. This can be really hard. Some days you want the top priority to be you! Some days someone else wants the top priority to be them! Things fluctuate a little bit from week to week depending on the demands of your work and your mental health. But at the end of the day, someone must always be there for the baby. It’s nonnegotiable. So if it can’t be you, you are going to have to figure out who that is.

Part C: You

Thing 1: Did I mention you are physically a new person? It’s true. Guess what informs our psychology and sense of self? This pesky meat-package. The mental health challenges of postpartum are real. I mean, sleep deprivation is a torture tactic. Is this a surprise? Make sure that you’re at least triaging your brainpan, because you need your sanity.

Thing 2: You are going to feel like there are too many things on your plate. That is because there are. It is humanly impossible to do all of this well. I will repeat. This thing you’re doing? It’s impossible. So that means you are automatically doing a good job if you show up with intent.

Thing 3: Yes, you deserve to write (or pursue your stress relief/raison d’etre of choice). The baby will probably think it is really cool when they are older. If they don’t, well, that’s their problem actually. Either way, you should model being a healthy parent for your baby, which means having some tiny slivers of a life that’s not entirely your baby. I know, I know. This is impossible. We covered that above. It’s true. You’ll do it anyway, imperfectly.

Thing 4: You are never 100% off duty. Cherish your moments of silence. You may have to schedule your moments of silence, actually, and that’s okay. They still count. But scheduled or unscheduled, when they come, don’t put too much pressure on them. Just allow yourself to rest. You’re going to need it.